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Lou and JC
The Bear Essentials
LOU AND JC : The Bear Essentials
bayou - 04:13pm Jan 28, 1999 MST

JC: If you don't mind my asking, Lou, why did the DA want to see you again. I mean, he had been avoiding you like the plague, and all of a sudden, he calls you in for a conference.

LOU: Good news, JC! A strange, bizarre, suspicious and weird teddy bear was found in JonBenet's room, and guess what? It didn't belong to the little beauty queen!!

JC: Hmmmm But didn't she have a lot of stuffed animal toys?

LOU: Oh, sure. Her dad is loaded. You think she would want for stuffed bears? She was trippin' over 'em.

JC: I know that I am kind of green, Lou, but how can one more teddy bear make a difference? And how do we know it was not hers?

LOU: You are as green as Kermit the Frog, JC. Thankfully you have this old dick to set you straight. Why is the bear significant? BECAUSE THE KILLER BROUGHT HIM IN THE HOUSE THAT NIGHT! How do we know that the bear was not one of JonBenet's? PATSY THE PERFECT MOTHER TOLD US!

JC: God, you're good, Lou. No wonder you are the top banana and I am the green banana. Congratulations, Pal. Lou: You have to have a nose for this kind of stuff, JC. It comes with age, experience, and time. Of course, a little desperation and imagination help.

JC: Darnit. I never grow older. I have very little experience in worldly things. And I am not desperate enough. Lou: It's not that easy bein' green, is it, JC? I vaguely remember a time when I did not know everything there is to know. You have my sympathy, young man.

JC: So when will there be an arrest?

Lou: Not until we do our duty, JC. Alex and his gang of misfits and ne'er-do-wells cannot determine where the bear was bought.

JC: Why not? I mean, how many companies make that kind of bear?

LOU: Lots. But this might be a handmade bear, stitched by the sadistic pedophile before he ever left home that night.

JC: Bingo! No wonder we have all been so stumped. Who would expect a sadistic pedophile to also be a seamstress of cuddly bears? Guess that is just part of his cunning and mysterious mystique.

LOU: Just imagine how twisted he must be.

JC: Yeah, any man that would treat a little girl that way is a twisted monster.

LOU: I was thinking of how twisted a guy would have to be to sew his own teddy bear or even to carry a teddy bear, or dammit, to think of a teddy bear if he is past the age of seven.

JC: We have a real rogue elephant on our hands, Lou, someone who is capable of intense cruelty and sadism and yet someone who is gentle enough to thread a needle and stitch the seams of a perfectly adorable teddy bear.

LOU: Of course, it may be a manufactured bear, too. One never knows. He obviously would have removed the brand name to throw the cops off his trail. Just one of many things he remembered to do that night, JC, like wiping the flashlight batteries, putting the spoon back in the pineapple bowl, replacing the pen and pad to their proper places, vacuuming, washing a few undies and hanging them to dry, refilling the salt and pepper shakers, spraying Lysol fresh powder scent in the foyer, putting a cedar sachet in a closet to prevent moths...oh, he is a wiley one.

JC: A wiley fox. And yet he forgot the MagLite, the bear, the garrotte, the duct tape on her mouth and his pint-sized shoestrings.

LOU: All to throw green cops and young virile ones with no brains off the trail. Well, it takes a fox to catch a fox and this old fox dick is on the job.

JC: Is it time to hit the streets, Lou?

LOU: Right...follow me, Kermit. I mean, JC. We have to find the source of that bear. It is his signature.

JC: It is? the bear?

LOU: Absolutely. Some guys leave an obscene gesture carved into the chest of the victim. Some use the victim's blood to write a message on the wall. Some scatter nails on the floor. With this one, it's teddy bears.

JC: But Lou, I don't know of any other murder of a young girl in which a teddy bear was left behind.

LOU: SHUT UP, JC. Your very greenness is starting to disgust me. This is obviously his first murder.

JC: I see. What kind of grown man would have a teddy bear with him.

LOU: There is no grown man involved here, JC. We are looking for a dwarf.

JC: How so, Lou?

LOU: A dwarf walking around with a teddy bear would not cause a fuss. Do you know of any other man who would do it?

JC: Jesus, you are remarkable, Lou. Right on the money, as always.

LOU: It all fits together now, JC. It is like *seeing the light* when the case starts to gel. Like the Rapture.

JC: One thing puzzles me though, Lou. How could a dwarf leave a palm print high on the door?

LOU: ROFL Oh, you greenhorn, you. What do you think he needed the suitcase for? He stood on it to shove the basement door to so he could fasten it at the top. That is where the little shrimp slipped up. He left the tell-tale palm print.

JC: Not to mention a *tiny* pubic hair.

LOU: Exactly. Think small, JC. Think small.

JC: LOOK! a small stocky male holding a teddy bear! My God, Lou, what should we do?

LOU: We have to surround the killer, JC. You go to the right, I'll go to the left. We'll meet in the middle and nab him!

JC: Heading left, Lou.

LOU: (slapping handcuffs on UNSUB) Gotcha!

Timmy: Help, Mommy, Helllllp!

LOU: Shut up, you pervert. Your mama can't help you now. The long arm of the law has enveloped you and you are on your way to the slammer.

Woman: Let go of my child, you dirty old man! (hitting Lou with umbrella)

JC: This is no child, ma'am, this is a murdering dwarf!

Woman: Timmy may wear Sears Stocky jeans. But he is no dwarf!! How dare you accuse my child of being a dwarf!

LOU: Oh, yeah, then what is he doing with the teddy bear?

Woman: He likes his teddy bear. He got it for Christmas.

LOU: What do you think, JC. Should we believe a mere mother?

JC: Not unless she is perfect, Lou.

LOU: Right! Book em both, JC. I say she wrote the note and he did the crime.

NICE TRY, MAMA, BUT LOU AND JC KNOW COLD-BLOODED KILLERS WHEN WE SEE EM.

NOTE: The satire, "Lou and JC - The Bear Essentials" on the Streets is the property of the poster known as "Bayou" and is only used on the ACandyRose Internet Subculture site as part of the history archive files following this case.

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